not sorry
My daughter would wake up in the middle of the night. She had a habit of doing so, as if she was never really sleeping. John and I call her Madame President. She is definitely ready for that 3 AM call, at all times. Seraphina was only 3 years old when she started presenting this behavior. Three years ago when she turned five years old, she sat up in the middle of the night in bed to say something entirely relevant and then immediately went back to sleep. She always amazes me, as even I am not as alert, even during the most critical hours of the day. I have walked in a widow fog.
That night she had my complete attention when she sat up as if completely awake and said:
“I’m sorry I never wrote a book with you.”
My husband and I had many dreams. The first dream together was to make a decent enough living to take some time out and achieve peace and quiet once in awhile. Isn’t that the dream of so many others? We dreamed some of our biggest dreams together. Dreams that maybe even one day we would own a farm or a bed and breakfast near a vineyard. We wanted to do everything together. We did do everything together and were inseparable. One of our dreams we spoke of many times was finally sitting down to write a book together. And so, when my daughter woke suddenly out of a deep sleep in the middle of the night and said this…. she has my complete attention. It happened as I came in to check on her after many hours of her actually sleeping. It was past one o’clock in the morning. So when she immediately sat up as if she hadn’t been sleeping at all and said, “I’m sorry I never wrote a book with you….” It was in an instant that I was completely stunned. As I laid her gently back down on her pillow, I said, “Its ok, Seraphina.” At the same time I said in my mind, it’s okay Chris. I know…. we are going to be okay.
My heart was pounding and my head hurt from exhaustion and longing. I selfishly wanted to hear his voice. For it to be loud and to be his own. I wanted his physical presence to still be known to me and to the rest of the world. I felt robbed of so much beyond my dignity and most of my possessions. We felt a loss that condolences could not reach. And I also had felt is was not fair even though I have had to tell my kids that this was Gods plan. Regardless, we didn’t want this to be our journey. However, the universe kept testing our limits and boundaries. And by telling my story perhaps I am testing your boundaries as well. Grief is an uncomfortable conversation. But I love to talk about my husband. He was a sweet and beautiful man in every way. Our lives imploded when Chris died, I had other widows and widowers feeling sad for me because I had it “the worst” in that I lost just about everything. Even though this was God’s plan, we didn’t plan. And that was a domino affect that seemed endless at the time. For myself, having such an empathetic personality, I actually didn’t want anyone else to be sad! I became anxious that everyone else felt sad and worried about me. I just wanted my husband here with me, dreaming and living.
But for that moment all that mattered after that one night, was that I realized that I didn’t lose the most important thing at all. My daughter awoke so suddenly that night, and spoke so directly to me. And as if he was right there, with his brilliant blue eyes softly gazing upon me. I always felt in my heart that he would send us signs. This time she woke to say what he needed to say. In response to past misguided direction, all my dreams that were not yet realized. So here it is just one small moment of many and outside of any dimensional limits. This isn’t the highlight reel, and my daughter my sweet girl needs to hear our story. This is just one of our many intimate moments and our sign from her Angel Daddy.
Seraphina and John may daddy’s blessings always be upon you when you sleep and as you awake. And thank you for relaying his messages.
